Now I see me, now I don’t…

As I sit at my desk this first Monday morning of 2011, I have before me a number of project files — many of which have a due date of January 10, 2011.   And I need to decide which one to tackle first.  

The good thing about mornings is that usually, I can multi-task.  For example, right now I am listening to a wonderful recording of Johann Adolph Hasse’s Salve Regina in A-Dur, with an ear to whether or not I want to add it to my repertoire this year (and I think the answer is yes).  At the same time, I am staring at a folder for the incorporation of my production company Serate Musicali Ltd., which needs to be done sooner rather than later if I am to get my plans off the drawing board; to its right is a folder of music that needs to be copied and prepared for my next recording session (which I also need to schedule).   But it is the two folders to the right of that that are causing me the most trouble this morning — more than even the tax folder that sits to their right.  Those two worrisome folders, both with the already mentioned deadline, represent two radically different directions in the New Year.  And they also represent two entirely different versions of myself.

If I fill out the application in one, I am saying to myself — yes, you are still only a student.  You have so much yet to learn before you can do anything worthwhile.  Even though you are well into adulthood, you still need a lot of preparation.

If I fill out the application in the other, I am saying to myself — yes, you will always have things to learn, learning is necessary to growth and to life.  But you are ready to begin sharing what you know, you just need to move into a circle where you can practice that skill.  Yes, there are things in your life where you could dare to be a teacher.  And how many times have you been told that you a natural teacher (frankly,  no one EVER told you that you were a natural singer)?  How many people have begged you to teach them how to sing (which you staunchly refuse to do)?  How many times have you taught other things on a one-on-one informal basis? Why is it so hard to for me to see myself as a teacher?

I could fill out both applications, and send a really mixed message to myself.  And there are those that have encouraged me to do that, to keep all my options open. Frankly, that hasn’t worked out so well for me in the past.

Perhaps 2011 will be the year that I finally welcome the teacher in my soul.  I know that she is there, sometimes I see her clearly, but I have yet to claim her.  I just can’t see the “me” that I need to see to open that folder. So, right now, I don’t have the answer and well, I have a couple more days that I can procrastinate before I must decide. 

I guess I’ll have to work on my taxes instead.

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1 thought on “Now I see me, now I don’t…

  1. Speaking of projects, just wanted you to know that I’m almost done with two of the arrangements and will soon start the third. Let me know if you need them quickly; I will send them as soon as they are done.

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