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Those little choices in life…

Posted July 26th, 2010 by admin | No Comments
Calling, General, Music, Travel |

There are moments when we face a seemingly little choice, but how we choose can change the whole course of our lives.  Funny thing, we don’t always see those moments when we face them.  Luckily, yesterday, I did.

Right now, I’m on the train between Granada and Madrid on the final leg of my journey here in Spain.  In two days, I will finally board the plane and return home.

But yesterday, well, yesterday wasn’t such a good day, at least in the beginning.  I was so dreadfully tired, and to tell the truth, I wasn’t totally happy with the way I had sung on the concert the night before.  It wasn’t an awful performance; it just wasn’t up to my full potential.  So, when the chaotic schedule of the final day of the course caused conflict between coaching appointments and preparations for last night’s concert, and when in those coaching sessions I felt like a piece of taffy being punched and pulled in many directions all at once, well, I snapped.  Yes, there I was, as I had been on trips before, standing in some square in some strange town in front of some massive cathedral, cell phone glued to my ear, sobbing and talking long distance, and with the strong impulse to run.

One factor in a break down like that is, well, that by the time the final concert rolls around, I’m just plain exhausted.  And the schedule for this week was particularly brutal – usually in a country like Spain or Italy, at least your siesta time is protected, but not here.  It had been days since the schedule had allowed for dinner; we had worked and coached through many rest periods; schedules ran late, coaching sessions didn’t happen, chaos ensued.

But really, as my wise advisor said to me, the real source of the break down moment was, it was time for me to own my performance.  Yes, true, I don’t really like to be told what to do, and therefore I don’t really like being “coached”; but I needed to be coached because I knew nothing, before this week, about singing in Spanish or about Spanish art song.  That was, after all, my reason for coming to this festival.  There is, however, a kind of passivity that occurs when you are in a studio setting that, well, makes me crazy.  And that was where I was…if I was going to allow myself to be coached, I at least wanted one consistent set of information.  And I really didn’t feel like being poked and prodded and turned upside down and sideways 5 hours before I had to perform.  I was ready to walk out.

And so I cried and I screamed and I went to a café and had a big bowl of pasta (hoping that it would calm me down) and then went back to my room to get ready to head out to the concert hall.  And while I was there, I came to a conclusion – I was just going to sing, and well, if they didn’t like it, well, they would just have to not like it.

So, armed with this new resolve, I packed up my gown, my makeup and my shoes and headed off in a taxi to the theatre.

Now, here is where the little moment of choice came into play.  I had carefully written down the address of the theatre so that I could give it to the taxi driver.  You see, I had only walked to the theatre before, because, well, I wasn’t performing those nights.  It was a sizeable walk, and I simply wasn’t going to do it mid-afternoon in the Spanish heat with a suitcase in tow.  But I didn’t quite pay attention when the cab driver let me out –only to look up and see that he had dropped me at the wrong Caja (I needed Caja RURAL Granada, he had dropped me at Caja Granada). 

I had no idea where I was.  I was sure that it was a sign from God that I was supposed to run, not sing, only not only could I not find the theatre, but I had no idea which direction to go to get back to the center of town. 

The only landmark that I recognized was the giant tower of the Science Park, the one with the giant black ants crawling up the side.  But I had no idea exactly where that tower stood in relationship to where I needed to be, and I was late.

So I walked first one direction – no sign of the theatre.

Then I walked another direction – again no sign of the theatre.

I was ready to leave.  Clearly it was a sign.

And then,  the voice in my head said – try it one more time.  I looked up, and I remembered that the building I needed was all of black glass, and there it was a block in front of me.  And I said, okay, I think this is it, but if it isn’t, I really am going back to the hotel.

It was it.  It was the concert hall.

And so, I went in for more coachings, more prodding, more waiting.  And the decision to just sing, to own my own performance, paid off.

Two hours later, there I was on stage with Metropolitan Opera tenor Jose Manuel Zapata, singing (pretty well, I might add), on Spanish television.

It was a night that I might have missed, had I chosen to go back to the hotel.  Instead, it is a night of music and art that I will treasure forever.

What out for those little seemingly insignificant choices.  They might mean more than you think.

Focus, focus, focus…

Posted July 25th, 2010 by admin | No Comments
General |

My darling beagle, Gracie, has a number of tricks she performs on command, but to me, one of the most interesting is her ability to balance a ball on her nose.  I really don't know how she learned this trick.  In the beginning, she could only balance the ball for 10 seconds without moving her head or licking her lips; now, on command, she can easily hold the ball in place for 60 seconds, or longer, until she is told to release it.

The command for this trick is:  Focus, Focus, Focus.

It just happened...I'm not really sure that she has any idea what "focus" really is, but she does know that when that command is spoken she must hold very still and not move her head so that the ball does not drop.

I've been thinking about this trick and the command "focus, focus, focus" a lot yesterday and today as I sing my last concerts here in Granada, and I realize, that well, more than Gracie, I have a bit of a problem with focus. 

Now, many who know me might say, "You?"  Yes, I have a problem with focus.  Not when I am doing something where I am confident and, let us be honest, in control.  But, other times, and often when it involves singing, I have a problem with focus.

I get distracted by steps that I have to climb to reach the stage.

I get distracted by a new room where I don't know the acoustics.

I get distracted by my need to please coaches that are giving me diametrically opposed pieces of advice.

I get distracted by, well, fear and nerves and questions of purpose and...well, just a lot of things.

I'm going to do my best today to remember to stay focused on the task at hand, and to listen, not for the voice of the coaches around me, but for the voice from within that drives me onward.    And when I get home, I'm really going to work on my tricks.

Focus, focus, focus....if Gracie can do it, so can I.

It was not a mistake…

Posted July 23rd, 2010 by admin | No Comments
Calling, General, Music, Travel |

Last year, I declared a moritorium on two things:  taking classes and travelling to sing.  And it served me well...I needed to sit and listen.  From that decision to basically stand still, a lot of good things came...I heard more clearly the call of God in my life, I was baptized, I was licensed, I made a CD, and I calmed down enough that I started to, finally, sing pretty well.

And once all that happened, I was feeling pretty good and pretty grounded -- so I immediately went back to taking classes and travelling to sing. 

By the time I had finished my class in Music and Social Justice, and had worked myself into a time crunch that left me less than the time I thought I needed to prepare for this singing adventure, I was pretty much in a panic and thinking that I had just fallen into old patterns and I was about to get in trouble again.

I spent much of Sunday worried that I had made a mistake -- that I was just doing what I had always done.

Oh, so not so.  This trip has not been a mistake.

In this one week, I have become more comfortable with the Spanish language.  I could survive on a day-to-day basis if I had to do so; with more study I will be better than that.

In this one week, I have learned that all the hard work I have done on my voice has paid off;  I actually can sing.

In this one week, I have learned that my Spanish diction is not bad, particularly for someone who has only been working on it for a month.

In this one week, I have learned that my fears that my voice was too big to sing with guitar are unfounded.

And, in this one week, I have been introduced to a whole world of beautiful music that I never knew existed.

With deepest gratitude, I thank all those who made this week possible. 

And, I can't wait to get home.

Thinking about…

Posted July 21st, 2010 by admin | No Comments
Calling, General, Music |

I've been thinking alot about the reasons why we as singers sing.  Obviously from the other entries here in this blog, you know that I think about that topic alot.  But being in a context in which I am watching a lot of other people sing, and singing myself, certainly makes it come to the top of my "think" list.

When we sing in worship, the reason is obvious.  But what about the other times?  The concerts? The masterclasses?  The opera?  Just in private for ourselves?

I have a good friend who often, after a concert, will say -- well, it was nice, but wasn't that concert for the singer?  We didn't really need to be there...She has an excellent observation, phrased from her very unique viewpoint.  What I hear her say when she says that is, the singer didn't communicate with me -- they were busy communicating with themselves.  They didn't need me.

Music is useless if it is not a form of communication.  If your performance is simply a moment of self-gratification, or a moment when you are trying to work out your own stuff through music, frankly, you are wasting the audience's time (and perhaps money).  And, for yourself, you would probably do better in therapy.

A teacher of mine used to say:  "Don't do all the work, leave some for the audience."  That was another way to say the same thing. 

The singer has to meet the audience, shake musical hands, and then do the dance together.  Otherwise, my good friend is right, it's all about you. 

You often hear the descriptor, "oh, she was such a generous performer" -- that simply means that "she" left room for the audience, and invited them in...

Seems it all comes down to hospitality, like almost everything else.  So I'm going to go out there today and do my best to be a welcoming performer, and create a nice, comfortable space for the audience who has come to hear me.

And I'll have to think more about this later.

Linea de Espera

Posted July 20th, 2010 by admin | No Comments
General |

When I was waiting in line to make my train reservation the other day, I couldn't help but stair at the markings on the floor of the ticket lounge -- on the floor, between each line and the counter, was a big white line with these words printed in red:  "LINEA DE ESPERA".  With four years of Latin in college and recently 3 years devoted to the study of Italian, well, I couldn't help but see the amusement in the fact that the Spanish verb for "waiting" had the same root as the noun for hope, "esperanza".  And I couldn't help but think about the amount of time we all spend in our lives, standing in the "Line of Hope", while we wait for one thing or another to come true for us, and on our better days, for our world.

And so I rise again today, in a strange city, working with teachers and singers that I do not know, and I take my place on the Linea de Espera as I work to learn a new language and a new way of communicating through music.  May your day on the Line of Hope go well for you too...

Goodbye, Seville…Hello Granada

Posted July 18th, 2010 by admin | No Comments
General, Travel |

A funny thing happens to me when I'm travelling like I am this summer...I forget that I am travelling.  Yes, I start to think that this is my life (which it is, actually) and I start to think that, well, I live here.  I seek out the signs of settlement -- grocery stores, places to

Toro del Orro as seen from the river on my last night

pick up the little needs in life like pharmacies, places to wash my clothes and get them cleaned, where to pick up my favorite tea -- places like that.

And the same thing that usually happens to me happened today...just as I started to "settle in" at a hotel in a certain city, it was time to move.  And that is always a little unsettling.

My general tolerance as a guest in a city is, well, 3 days (guests and fish, remember?).  On the fourth day, I am a resident.

Today, however, was day 5 and time to get on the train and move to Granada.  And that I did, with great success.  Although now I'm a tourist again, at least for a couple of days.

My new address, if you are following my travels, is the Hesperia Granada...so far a quite pleasant hotel with an excellent air conditioner.  And that air conditioner is pretty important, even if it is cooler here in Granada than it was yesterday in Seville (109 degrees yesterday, only 96 degrees here today).  And tomorrow, it is back to the confronting the world of music.  I cannot say that I face that task without trepidation, but I will face it.  And we will see just what God has to say about this choice that I've made.

Carmen lives…

Posted July 17th, 2010 by admin | No Comments
General, Travel |

I love to visit museums when I travel.

The ones that I love most, however, are the quirky little museums that are off the beaten path.  I’ve enjoyed many of them in my travels:  the Musée de Dame aux Camelias, somewhere in the Normandy countryside of France (where I saw the personal items of the woman who created such a stir in 19th century Paris, and who comes to us in the opera La Traviata and the classic movie Camille);  the Musée de la Vie Romantique in the 18th Arrondisment in Paris, the Franz Liszt House in Budapest.

And today, I added to the list – I went to the Museo de Bailir Flamenco in Seville (The Museum of the Flamenco Dance).

It was an accident, really.  I didn’t have a plan for today, I’ve been kind of tired and tomorrow I move on to Granada for learning and singing (that is different than learning and sight-seeing, which is a lot more relaxing but equally exhausting), so I thought I would have an easy day of it, do a little shopping, visit the Plaza d’Espana from the Spanish-American exhibition, an event that created the sister relationship with my town of origin, Kansas City, and maybe end the day with a boat ride on the Guadalquivir River.

As I ambled across town to the shopping district, I saw the sign – Museo de Bailir Flamenco.  And I thought, why not.

Why not, indeed.  I arrived, bought my ticket.  Apparently I was the first person that day, because I had to wait while the young woman at the desk ran upstairs to start the exhibits (It was a multi-media museum).  But that wait was priceless—in the next room, there was either a rehearsal or a class, a room full of young women in long flamenco dress, learning the basic steps of their art.  What was so fascinating, however, was how very different  this class was from any dance class I had ever taken or observed.  The dance master would demonstrate a step, then, instead of the class performing the step in some sort of synchronous pattern as the music played, instead each participant took the step and attempted to make it her own in response to the music that was playing.  Some turned it into a slow, elegant, smooth movement; others repeated it rapidly over and over again, but each danced to their own step and their own feeling of the music.

I went upstairs to the exhibits and spent a fascinated magic hour, standing in exhibit after exhibit, surrounded by life-size flamenco dancers demonstrating technique, style, and the language of flamenco; I heard interviews from lifelong practitioners of the art of flamenco; I saw costumes and shoes and heard about the careers of great artists known only in their world of dance; and I marveled at how this artistic tradition was so carefully transplanted to Mexico and Latin America, and how I have seen it even in the dances of my fellow church goers who come from the culture of El Salvador.

And,  I was amazed to realize that I still harbor the flame of Carmen in my very own soul. You see, I want to blame the fact that I learned to sing opera on my first voice teacher, and he certainly did play a role.  But the real villain in this little story is one cigarette girl named Carmen.

I remember the day that I first experienced the opera Carmen (by Georges Bizet).  I was newly divorced, and, as many newly divorced women do, I was setting out on the new adventure of doing what I want when I want to do it.  There was a notice in the Kansas City Star about a community performance of Carmen in a church near the Country Club Plaza (a shopping mall designed to look like a miniature “Seville”, and the first shopping center constructed in the United States, according to Kansas City mythology), and I went.  I was mesmerized by the gypsy and her adventures, the romance with the policeman, the romance with the bullfighter, the way that she faced her death at the end of the opera.  And I have been mesmerized ever since.  The first arias I learned were Carmen’s:  I sing them still whenever I get a chance. 

But I thought that I had accepted that, well, I was long past ever performing the role of Carmen on the stage.  No one would possibly cast me, I thought, and I moved on to Wagner and Verdi and heavier, less romantic literature.

As I wander the streets of Seville, however, and in particular as I wandered through the Flamenco museum, I can tell, she is not out of my system.   I see her in my fashion choices, my jewelry choices –she’s in there, just waiting to get out.

Every time I think that I am at peace with no longer singer opera, I encounter Carmen.  And today was no exception.  Who knows what will happen after I actually go to the flamenco show tonight?

Breakfast

Posted July 16th, 2010 by admin | No Comments
General, Travel |

I just had breakfast in a lovely courtyard, next to a running fountain, with a cool breeze blowing, here at my hotel in Seville, the Vincci la Rabida.  Breakfast is my favorite part of vacation, in so many ways. And my favorite me in general.

I don’t know about you, but I can still here my mother’s voice saying “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”

But things that we accept as nutritional and scientific givens are, like so many other things, also cultural in nature.  For you see, in Spain, as in Italy, they do not eat breakfast as we know it.  Breakfast is coffee and a roll, maybe a pastry.  And no one raised them to believe that breakfast was a nutritionally important meal for their life and well-being. 

The Breakfast Patio, Seville

My knowledge that there is a cultural lack of acceptance of breakfast as a meal figures greatly into my hotel selection process.  Because most of the people who come to countries like Spain and Italy eat a substantial breakfast (namely British and American tourists, and those kings of the breakfast buffet, the Germans), good hotels in both those countries work hard at providing a good and appealing breakfast buffet.  And I do know how to find that information on their websites—the fact that they feel it important to include a picture of their breakfast spread is usually a good clue.

Here at the Vincci la Rabida, they do an especially nice job with breakfast.  You can eat in the white-table-cloth restaurant, or on the tasteful all-too-Spanish patio in the courtyard.  In addition to a magnificent spread of fresh fruit, juices, cheeses, and meats, they have a full range of Spanish ‘tapas” items that for us mean breakfast and for them mean snack food – the tortilla Espanola with tomato sauce, plates of seranno ham and manchego cheese – AND they have standard British breakfast items like sausages and beans with scrambled eggs.  Oh yes, and in this land of cured pork products, they have the most amazing bacon, bacon that has only been rivaled in my affection by the bacon from Edwards of Surrey, VA, that I ate at the Blue Moon Diner the last time I was in Charlottesville.

So, if sometime you are having a discussion with me about hotels any time in the future, chances are my review will have more to do with the quality of the breakfast (and also the environs in which the breakfast is consumed, very, very important) than the quality of the rooms or the service:  I’m more likely to talk about the time I stayed at the Hotel Danieli in Venice and had breakfast on a rooftop patio overlooking the Grand Canal, or the Westin in Berlin, with the never-ending supply of smoked salmon and the view that overlooked Unter den Lindenstrasse, or the Hotel Brufani in Perugia with fruit and a tea service to die for; or, last but not least the El Dorado Royal on the Riviera Maya south of Cancun, with its chocolate fondue fountains and churros.

Mama told me that breakfast was important – she never told me it was romantic!

Restoring the Choir…

Posted July 15th, 2010 by admin | No Comments
General |

My first morning in Seville, I chose to visit churches.

Is anyone who knows me surprised about that?  I think not.

So, today I started at the Cathedral of Seville.  In case you don’t know, this Cathedral is the 3rd largest in the world (on St. Peter’s in Rome and St. Paul’s in London are larger), and the largest in Spain and was built on the site of a mosque destroyed during the Reconquista recovery of Seville by the Christian kings.  The famous tower, the Giralda, is the only part of the original mosque that was retained – kept as a souvenir of conquest.

Now, I have been in a lot of cathedrals and churches around the world (again, surprise…NOT) but this one was a completely different experience.   Frankly, I have never seen so much gilt and silver in any church, not even in Rome.  It was completely overwhelming – beautiful, but I have never seen a more over-the-top expression of the Baroque/Rococo period ever.  Not anywhere.

So I wandered and I wondered, and then I stopped in the middle of the space (I hesitate to call it a sanctuary, the proportions are so large)…and, as you so often see in a cathedral such as this, there was a huge tower of scaffolding.  Restoration in progress.  And on the famous carved choir of the Seville Cathedral, with its carved wooden seats made in the 15th and 16th centuries. 

I was completely entranced, because, as I peeked through the scaffolding, I saw twenty industrious souls cleaning and scrubbing every inch of wood carving. All I could think about was two weeks ago at Calvary, when people volunteered their Saturday to come and clean the woodwork in preparation for the American Guild of Organists event.  Now, I’m pretty certain that the people I saw this morning were not volunteers – they were most likely restoration specialists or at the very least, students the restoration sciences, but I couldn’t escape the parallel. 

I stood and watched the work as it continued, and then I moved on to see the rest of the Cathedral – the 30 chapels, the garden of orange trees, the tomb of Christopher Columbus…but I just couldn’t shake this image of all of these people working together to restore the choir.  We work so hard to maintain these buildings that we call our church and clearly the city of Seville devotes considerable time, money and effort to maintain this magnificent cathedral, and the Iglesia El Divino Salvador that I saw later in the morning.  And yet, in both of those buildings, I was surrounded with art and sculpture and an ostentatious show of wealth that had nothing to do with the spiritual, that in fact, was created by the hard work and probably the deaths of many indigenous peoples on the North American continent.

It was an unsettling reminder that, as we move on our journey of faith, we must continually question ourselves regarding our motives and our intent.  It is a particularly thorny question for those of us in the arts. I’m sure that some of the original builders and artists and artisans that were responsible for what I saw today genuinely believed that they were using their gifts for the glory of God.   For some, it was just a job -- another commission. 

Just something to ponder when it is 102 degrees outside, which it is here.

Vaya a Sevilla…Day 30

Posted July 14th, 2010 by admin | No Comments
General |

Private balcony at the Hotel Regina, MadridI thought that I would take advantage of the fact that I am awake and that this hotel has a great internet connection.  And so I sit on my balcony in Madrid and say, welcome to Day 30 and the end of my committment to contribute to the ever growing stream of bits and bites on the internet with my daily blog entry.  And I want to take a moment to thank Pastor Amy for the idea and for being a good and gentle guide to start me on a road that, well, I wouldn't have taken (like she has never done that before).

The only problem is, I don't think I'll quit.  I think that I will keep going.  My basic impulse is to commit to another 30 days, and then maybe another 30 days, and another.  After I pondered that idea for a few moments, I thought that I would like to see just how I continue if I don't have a committment and peer pressure to keep me going.

I think I'll keep going, without a boundary or an endpoint.  That's life, isn't it, anyway?  If I falter along the way, I know that I have good friends and community to pick me up and keep me going.

Today, after a short walk around part of Madrid that I haven't seen, I'm off to the train station and on to Seville.  For years, I've sung the aria from Carmen:  "Pres des Ramparts de Seville"...and I'm going to go see those ramparts.  And a few other things.

And last night, I had the opportunity to remember that I am not totally invisible.  It has been a long time since three different men have tried to pick me up.  Apparently Spain was not a good country to visit without me "leave me alone, I'm taken" ring to wear.

So, for the next few weeks, you may hear more about Spain and my travel adventures than you will the deep evaluation of the relationship between music and theology (although one never knows what travel will bring to me--I have a lot of time to think without too much disturbance).  And, I promise to keep writing.  Until I don't.